Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
The Punning Dead.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
i’m so old i’m almost back in style