Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Is this you?

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

relationship goals

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

a fate I wish upon no one

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.