Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.