Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat