Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

nobody’s gonna understand

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?