Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
my retirement plan is braless
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.