Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
You Might Also Like
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
LOL!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
💻🤡
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.