Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Stop being racist to kettles.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Close call…
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work