Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

My last name is Zilla.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Thoughts

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..