Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”