Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”