Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Hmmmmmmm….
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.