Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.