#NeverForget
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My god she’s good.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.