#NeverForget
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.