#NeverForget
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Bill is short for Billiam
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.