#NeverForget
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away