Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter