“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When you let grandma cat sit
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult