“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
You Might Also Like
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks