Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Not today