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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
spicy snake
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park