Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.