new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool