Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

😭😭😭

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

reduce, reuse, recycle

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.