new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Livid.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.