New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Merry Christmas
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.