New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain