New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
This makes total sense…
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I WON A HAM TODAY
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking