New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?