New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.