Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January