Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*