Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.