Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog