new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
#dnd #ttrpg
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.