new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.