Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

LMFAOOOO

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.