Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.