new career option?
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.