New Cartoon for Alta magazine
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Tuesday
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
the composer
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.