New Cartoon for Alta magazine
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
…u ok Nintendo?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.