New Cartoon for Alta magazine
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
cat vs inanimate object
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
