New Cartoon for Alta magazine
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine