new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
notice
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”