New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*