New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
You Might Also Like
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My life is fraught with reality
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*