New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
the battle rages on
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The funk soul brother
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!