@sixfootcandy
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
@Ham_Tornado
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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@sixfootcandy
@iwearaonesie
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
@briangaar
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
@JasonLastname
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
@QwertyJones3
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
@lecalabara
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
@evofck
My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.
@JohnLyonTweets
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
@onbrandbrandonn
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
@XplodingUnicorn
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.