Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

My beach vacation Google searches

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Hey! This isn’t my car!

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

satan: not today, microsoft teams

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit