[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Otters see a butterfly.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*