New comic up. “Ransom”
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Breaking news:
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
what are they serving at kfc then???
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[montage of me giving-up]
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.