Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

weird email i got today

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.