New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
This one, by a wide margin
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…