New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Lmaoo 😂
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
next question.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”