New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
pelicons
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
