New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.