New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences