Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

there’s music for literally every activity

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.