Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!