Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.