New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar