Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

An odd boast

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun