New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.