Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.
5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.
One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.
The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.