@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

@GlennyRodge

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

@girlnarly

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@KeetPotato

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

@SladeBlue

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@Six_Pack_Mom

The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.