Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

This line from Airplane.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude