new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
don’t be scared
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
#SCOTUS one-star review
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
