new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Saturday
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
🧠
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
