New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You Might Also Like
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .