new dr. seuss book dropping:
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy