Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Every house has this drawer

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT