new dr. seuss book dropping:
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
new dr. seuss book dropping:
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
dam girl
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Sharon I have some bad news
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE