Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

mandolin: finally a violin for men

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Camping tip: No.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*