Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.