Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too