NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
pep talk
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.