New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.