@YoungNobler

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

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@gruffybeard

My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@panmidwest

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

@bossy_bootz

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@_coryrichardson

girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.