My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.
girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant
her dad: hey bud you coming inside?
me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.