New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did