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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I鈥檓 not super useful until I鈥檝e had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I鈥檓 too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I鈥檓 the best employee here and they鈥檙e lucky to have me.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it鈥檚 thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
This is top tier marketing 馃槀馃ぃ
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My inexpensive home security system…
