Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

repaired

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

craving $300 all of a sudden

Children of the corn 🌽

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.