Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

How to find Kentucky on a map