Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Yup.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

he was correct

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!