Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Netflix and scream at our children?!

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Lol.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.